As I ponder resolutions and what they mean to me, I happened onto my daughters blog and her thoughts on resolutions. "A time for letting go of the past. A future full of possibilities. I have a few "intentions" for the new year. An intention is a purpose held in mind, a desired goal you want to experience. It's more than a hope or a wish. It's a steadfast fixed idea. Just thinking about having, being or doing it gives you pleasure. There's innate power in intention."
I am not a believer in resolutions for many reasons. After making many that I never stuck with over the years and seeing how many other people tend to list off many that they too fail at, why set myself up for a failure. You need only to go into a fitness club in January and see the increase in membership. Then go back in February and see just how many of those new members are still there.
On the other hand is it not a good idea to set goals for ourselves - something to work towards?
So with these thoughts in my mind instead of resolutions this year such as - I'm going to lose weight or I'm going to start and stick with an exercise program .... my resolution is to "take back my life".
These past 5 1/2 months since my father died, I have slowly been absorbed into my mother's life and her emotional health. I feel my very life energy being sucked out of me by her very great emotional and physical needs. Don was shocked when he put up the new 2009 calendar and saw that every week in January is already booked with many appointments for my mother which of course requires my availability for chauffeuring there and back, dropping off and picking up prescriptions, taking her for blood tests, eye exams, new glasses, etc....
I've lost myself somewhere in her life and must find me again.
The lack of emotional or physical support from my siblings has been a very painful experience for me to face. My family is very fractured and deeply scarred which I have known all my life - I cannot honestly say that it is a family. These past few months being faced head on with this lack of love, support, or even just a call to see how things are going with not only mom but me has been like a slap in the face. Do they think that things are status quo? That bringing my mother to live with us didn't effect enormous changes that we have to adapt to? They do not see the loss of privacy we have had to adapt to. They do not see the woman that I am faced with 24/7. She is a miserable, unhappy, sour, critical person who know exactly how to push my guilty buttons. She constantly has excuses for why her children aren't bothering with her.
I realize that I'm sailing this ship with no crew and it is one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. Fighting bitterness, aggravation, resentment, guilt & depression has lead me to this point. I don't like the way I feel, I don't like my lack of ability to control my emotions, I don't like feeling resentment and bitterness - it's like a bitter bile in my mouth.
Like Samantha said in Sex & The City, "Life was so much better when it was all about me". This is going to be the year that I will make the year of Barb. I will work hard to heal myself of all of these feelings which in the past have not been a part of my personality. If this requires taking time away from everything & everyone causing me this grief I resolve to do it, if it requires researching and reading self help literature I will do it, if it requires talking to a professional, I will do it. I resolve to do everything and anything it takes to become whole again.
The headaches, constant unchecked tears, neck and shoulder pain are becoming a pain in my ass and a great source of frustration to me.
Who I am as a person is important to me and I cannot afford to lose what has taken me 54 years to perfect (a little humour to lighten this post).
The love I receive from my children, grandbabies and dear friends shows me that deep down I am a good person, that I am worthy of love and support and that I deserve to enjoy my life on my own terms.
So from this point on it's all about me and I will take back my life that I have lost, I will stop feeling guilty over my mother's situation which I cannot change, I will accept the situation with my siblings and stop expecting help and I will make removing the bitterness and resentment from my life a top priority.
I cannot end this rant of a post without expressing my gratitude for my husband and my daughter, both of which are providing to be my rocks through this horrible situation. Their support, their words of wisdom and their steadfast love for me are needed and appreciated.
And thanks to you my readers, for listening to my rant. Your thoughts and many emails (thanks Chris) expressed to me in the past on my situation are appreciated too.So let's raise a glass to 2009 - to a healthy, happy and prosperous year.
HAPPY NEW YEAR and thank you to all of you who have shared this wonderful blogging journey with me!
7 comments:
Great post!!! And you know I am always here to listen when you need to talk.
love Seb
Here's to you Barb! I'm with you every step of the way! Accepting what we cannot change is a huge step forward and I know you have what it takes to succeed in this endeavor. Great pic of you and Don by the way!
Chris
xxx
You and I are so in the same boat with our mothers and siblings. Again, this coming Tuesday I have to take a day off work to travel 6 hours to take my mother to a doctors appointment. Barb - you are worthy... you are very worthy and please know that you can email me anytime if you need to ''talk''. One thing I have learned is that you are responsible for your life and actions, you must take control of your life... only you can do that. You are surrounded by people who love you, even some whom you've never met in person :-)
We can't change the past nor can we control tomorrow, all we have is now. Keep me posted on how you're loving this new Barb you're creating. Or should I say, the new ''found'' Barb.
Take care, Vic xxo
i'm not one for resolutions either, as you saw from the frivolous ones i made about not leaving pans on the stove and getting rid of my cough...but (you knew a but was coming), i am a believer in getting things out from swirling in your brain and onto the page (or the screen, as it were). i think it's healthy and essential and what blogging is all about.
taking back your life is a worthy resolution and as i see it, writing this out so honestly and raw-ly (is that a word, if it's not, it should be?) is a big step towards being able to do it.
i think very often we think we have to live our lives for other people, but we don't, we have to live them for us first, otherwise it's not worth it for anyone involved.
i hope you keep writing about the journey...
big hugs,
/julie
Thanks to all for your comments, it really is great to have my new found blogasphere friends supporting me.
Julie, Your comment about thinking we have to live our lives for others rings so true. That is one thing I've realized, I can't change my mom's situation or replace what she has lost nor can I change my siblings attitude, so it is up to me to effect this change in me alone. I need a new way of looking at things, so that's what I'm going to work at.
Again, thanks to everyone, it's wonderful to know you are there for me.
Barb xoxo
I don't think this was a rant, but rather a thoughtful expression of where you are in life, why that is, and where you'd like to be.
I do not know the whys and hows of you becoming your mother's caretaker, but it sounds like she is with the right person. SHE may not tell you she appreciates/cares/values/loves you, but unless she has some kid of mental disease that prevents her from seeing/feeling, then she KNOWS who you are to her and she DOES feel those things. Just too much hurt won't let her admit it, and in doing so, she'd also be ackowledging what sh*ts your siblings are...
Reclaim yourself, and know that part of that self is your mother's daughter.
I hope you find true peace in 2009 with all of it.
Barb, you're a good person that deserves the very best and as fate will have it, what goes around always comes around.
This is not a rag session on your part. Consider it good therapy --or -- in the lighter words of Shrek (because we always have to keep our humour), "better out than in, I always say!"
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