Ponderings for a Tuesday Evening

Why are girls so hard on themselves and each other?

Today I read a most interesting post over at Moments of Perfect Clarity on an issue recently uncovered at her daughters school with some bullying between girls. It started me thinking about why we as woman are so critical and hard on ourselves.

Why can we not be content with ourselves simply as we are. Image seems to be such a huge issue for most females.

I have learned quite a lot about myself in just the four months since my mother moved in with us. I could never really put my finger on why my siblings and I have such self esteem and image issues, but living with my mom as an adult (not a child) has been an eye opening experience. It has helped me to realize that I really have some wonderful attributes and also that I really am quite content and comfortable with myself as I have gotten older.

Unfortunately my mom seems to be almost sorry for the space she takes up. It is hard to listen to her sometimes and how apologetic she is for her very existence.

Here is a typical conversation one of which happens on a regular basis.

Sitting in the eye surgeons office this morning following cataract surgery, our conversation went as follows:

A lady walks into the office and sits down beside me.

Mom .... "Look at that ladies hair beside you. Why can't I wear my hair like that, I hate my hair."

Me thinking, you don't know that you can't wear your hair like that unless you try.

A gentlemen comes in and walks to reception desk.

Mom - "Why do men get all the good, thick beautiful hair and in this family the women are stuck with such thin unmanageable hair?"

After having her vision checked and being told she had 20/25 vision, I say,

"That's amazing, I wish I could see that well without my glasses."

Mom - "Oh you don't want to go without your glasses, you don't look good without them. Do you remember our friend Al? He stopped wearing glasses after his cataract surgery and he looked just awful."

Me thinking, I look different but don't really think I look too bad without my glasses.

Mom - "Did you know that you have a small run in your tights?"

Me, horrified looks down to see an almost unnoticeable run down the inside of my leg and say, "I didn't know it was there or I would not have put these on."

Mom - "Well, it doesn't really matter, it's not that noticeable."

Side note, if it's not that noticeable, how come she saw it and if it doesn't really matter why bring it to my attention in the first place????


When I finished my last painting, I showed it to her.

Mom - "I can't believe you painted that."

Side note, the same comment made whenever I complete a painting.

Maybe I'm reading between the lines but I find this an odd comment. Does she think I cannot produce a quality piece of art or is she surprised that I can produce something beautiful? Did she forget that I have studied art for most of my life and have a fine arts degree?

This conversation style shows me why I have historically struggled with my image and also why I am so very critical of myself and others. However, in just these four short months, I have resolved to stop listening to my inner critical voice and not to let my mom's critical self talk influence me any longer.

I am in possession of a beautiful book entitled "Mother Daughter Wisdom" by Dr. Christiane Northrup.

Here, a small excerpt from it: "The enemies, obstacles, and battles women encounter are seldom as straight-forward as those faced by men. They often exist within our own psyches and have been handed down to us by a culture that is only now becoming comfortable with feminine ways of being in the world.

A woman’s heroic journey always begins in partnership with her mother, the woman from whom she takes the imprint of what it means to be a woman. Her journey picks up speed when she leaves the comfort of the womb and goes through the process of birth. From then on, she must travel through a series of developmental stages likened to a series of wombs."

All women whether mothers, daughters, sisters, grandmothers should read this book. The statements made on mother daughter relationships are insightful and thought provoking.

My Menopause has also provided much insight. They don't call it the "change" for nothing. I have witnessed radical changes in myself ... the lessening of my need to be accepted by everyone I encounter, the need to have everyone like me, the need to lose weight, the need to be perfect, etc....

Every challenge in life is provided for a reason and I believe this challenge of providing a home for my mom is to guide me down a new life path - a path of loving myself the way my friends and family do. Loving myself enough to trust myself & my judgement ..... loving myself enough to be at ease with me .... who I am and to enjoy my own company.

Dove has for a few years been spear heading a campaign to promote real beauty. They are determined to help young women see their true beauty. It was developed to help free the next generation from self-limiting beauty stereotypes. Committed to reaching 5 million young women by the end of 2010, the Dove Self-Esteem Fund was set up to promote a wider definition of beauty.

What is real beauty?
Where does it come from?
It comes from within the depths of our soul!
I am beautiful because I accept who I am!
I accept everything about myself from the tips of my hair to the tips of my toes!
I am perfection because I choose to be perfect to me!
It can be difficult at times however I always remember to just be myself and the more I believe in myself the more others will believe in me too!

Here's to women and to all our beauty.