My father is holding his own .... he is critically ill, but getting hydration through an intravenous drip and is taking in small amounts of food.
He constantly does not want to eat and it is a struggle to get anything into him because of the esophageal spasms he is suffering from. Tonight when I took an Ensure/ice cream combination in to him, he said he was too tired to eat. I sat beside him and held his hand and said, "Dad, mom and I are fighting for your life ... please fight with us."
He constantly does not want to eat and it is a struggle to get anything into him because of the esophageal spasms he is suffering from. Tonight when I took an Ensure/ice cream combination in to him, he said he was too tired to eat. I sat beside him and held his hand and said, "Dad, mom and I are fighting for your life ... please fight with us."
When I kissed him goodnight as I left, I asked him, "What are you doing with me?" and he replied, "Fighting...."
Each day as I spend 12-13 hours with my mom and dad I have arrived at a place of serenity and calm cceptance within myself simply through the joy of nursing my dad and helping my mom.
Oh that all my siblings had this same opportunity that I have been gifted.
I had thought that this experience would yield unbearable pain .. but instead I have been infused with feelings of joy through loving, giving and sharing with my parents.
Yes, I am exhausted, but it is a good exhaustion ... when I get home at night, I can go to bed knowing that I gave them my all today and should daddy slip away this night, there are no regrets.
Today I sat on his bed and held him in my arms like I would hold one of my grandbabies while my mother fed him. He sat up - me behind .. him in front with my arms around him so he would not fall, and as he laid his head against my cheek, I felt the tears silently slip from my eyes for the father I knew I may so soon lose ... whether from this health crisis or if we are fortunate enough to pull him through this, in the not too distant future.
So I wonder have I too soon expected his death from his present sufferings? I don't know ..... can we predict that instant when our spirit is freed from it's earthly chamber or can we choose the moment of our birth or death ....
Then Almitra spoke, saying, "We would ask now of Death."
And he said:
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
And he said:
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
Khalil Gibran
6 comments:
Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
...
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Kalil Gibran
I am so sorry to hear about your father. I wish you the best...I don't really know what to say to these sort of situations. I do not have the close relationship you have with your father. I can't imagine what you're going through but I'm thinking of you all the same. I hope things turn out okay.
Barb, that is so well written and it is sooooooo easy to see it was written from your heart and soul.
Barb, having no regrets is the best one can hope for- both for those left behind and the ones passing away.
It's the most powerful thing to get you through the difficult time, knowing that you 'gave your all' and that you let your father know you cared so much.
If that can be the way for all of us...
I'll be thinking of you.
Thinking of you Barb. Time with a parent is time well spent and it sounds like you are taking this opportunity to love as much as you can. They are hard times but the closeness of family is so rich right now. Enjoy your togetherness.
Thank you all for your very kind comments and thoughts as well.
Chris, I am sorry I have been negligent in checking in with you on how you and your family are doing after Midas' death. The early days are hard, but it will get easier to think and talk of him as time goes on. The heart has a miraculous ability to heal, love and open up again when the time is ready.
When Jake died I used to close my eyes and feel him lying beside me for so very long. Take care, my thoughts are with you too. Barb
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