Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Grief ~ The Loss of a Mother

What is grief? It is a question that eludes an answer until you suffer a loss. You cannot comprehend the depths of despair until you suffer that loss.

You attend a funeral to support a friend and you go through the motions. "I'm so sorry for your loss", you say, but do you know how they feel? No, you cannot understand until you experience a loss.

When my father died and my mom cried constantly, fell into a depression, did not want to eat, I couldn't understand her grief. I still don't as I have my partner and cannot understand the loss of a husband or wife yet.

But when my mom died, in that second that she took her last breath, I understood a loss. The loss a child feels when their mother dies. My mother who I had known even in her womb. I knew her thoughts, I felt her emotion, I felt her pains. In that moment, I lost part of my heart, lost the one person in life who loved me unconditionally and I knew would defend me to the death.

A mother ~ we love her we hate her. But she is the only person to whom we have that bond, a physical bond that even a father cannot understand or feel. A part of our body is ripped away when she dies.

Feelings that have lain dormant come bubbling to the surface in the days following the death. Tears are constantly threatening, where do they come from, it seems there is a never ending supply to freshly attack at a moments notice. There is no rhyme or reason for the tears. It can happen in your home or it can happen in public, it evens happens in your sleep. You may be in a store and see something that triggers a flood of memories, bringing on a fresh onslaught of tears.

Having gone through two difficult weeks following a catastrophic fall which ultimately led to my mothers death, I felt like I was falling, deeper and deeper into a pit of depression. I knew it was happening, but I didn't want to take off this comfortable blanket of grief, sadness or depression which laid deep in my own personal hell.

But then, suddenly there was a small opening in my clouds of depression. A wee ray of sun shone through and you think, maybe just maybe it will get better. Waking up one morning I realized there were no tears on the pillow.

Now here I am almost one year later and I am so grateful for the time I was gifted in spending with my mom, the impromptu visits, grabbing a coffee, having lunch, shopping, enjoying a joke, seeing 
her laugh which didn't happen often after my father passed.

Being fortunate enough to be with her during her last two weeks of life, caring for her and being there, sitting with her as she took her last breath and moved on. Knowing I gave her my all, there are no regrets, only abiding love for this woman who gave me life. I am able to spend time thinking of her, even her last moments and the privilege that was mine to be with her as she transitioned to the next life.

The bond between mother and child is never broken not even by death, her love is wrapped around my heart and I now give that same attention and love to my daughter and granddaughter, who I hope some day with remember me with the same love and devotion with which I remember my mom.


Anonymous said...

Beautifully written Barb.....thank you for sharing. I often try to understand my very best just how much pain Isaac is going through since the passing of his father.....I cannot even begin to comprehend the loss of a parent and being so close to it with Isaac scares me to death. I hope Isaac can eventually come to a place you are in. Big Hugs xo

Barb said...

Lindsey my darling, Reiki has saved my very life.

I am a new person who embraces life and love having realized all the negativity of my past hurts. Maybe I can give Isaac some Reiki in Mexico. It is miraculous!!!!



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